Letters to Lyla and Lottie

Miss Lottie,

Here I am, faced with the daunting task of trying to capture the amazingly surreal, beautiful experience of bringing your little life into this world. Where words fail, I hope that my heart speaks. Oh the love I feel for your little spirit. I wish there was a better, more special word than Love that I could give to you to capture just what I feel for you. Pride. Joy. Adoration. Worship. Devotion. There are others I’m sure. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure of how I would feel once you were born. Would my heart grow to include you? What if I failed to love you that way you deserved? How silly those concerns were. How easy you are to love. How beautiful you are. How can I not look into you little dark eyes, feel your tiny body against mine, brush my chin across your whispy hair, and not know of the beauty of this earth and things beyond it? How can I not believe in something greater than me, than this life, that anything conscious? I want to tell you about your birth….

04/13/11

3pm it’s not right for people to tell you you’re likely to deliver earlier than your first baby. When I turned 38 weeks I expected to be done! By the time my 39 week appointment rolled around, I had resolved that I would go overdue and that I just may always be pregnant. My blood pressure was shockingly high at the appointment. Prior to this, my BP was very good, in fact, everything had been so healthy and good this pregnancy. Dr. Heath asked if I was stressed. I said “yes, everyone keeps bugging me to have this baby already!” Without surprise, my doctor informed that I hadn’t progressed any further from last week (2 cm dilated). I didn’t want to be induced or do anything to push you, so I got dressed ready to head home and play more of the waiting game when my doctor came back into my room and said “since you’re my favorite patient, I want to send you over to labor and delivery to be monitored for 2 hours”. He said it was probably nothing and they’d send me home shortly, but he wanted to be cautious because preeclampsia isn’t something to mess around with. I rolled my eyes inside and said “okay”. I had been monitored for other reasons with Lyla and it was always the same game. You pay a lot, sit around a lot, and then go home. Now I see how naive and unappreciative I was about those past experiences. I grabbed a bunch of paperwork to keep me busy, called Todd and told him what to make for dinner, and headed in. Gown on, BP cuff rising and sinking, urine tests, blood tests, ultrasound (to check amniotic fluid) etc. etc. etc. The nurse indicated that my bp wasn’t that bad but it was ultimately up to Dr. heath. After two hours I was still there. Finally, the nurse came in and said Dr. Heath was coming to talk to me. That’s never good. She said I had protein in my urine as well as the elevated BP, which meant he would likely induce me. I still wasn’t convinced. Grandma was driving home from SLC (helping Callie pass a Kidney Stone). I texted her what was going on, but told her to take her time. I thought I was going home.

5:30pm Dr. Heath walked into the room,sat down, pulled the stool up close to me, put his hand on my leg and said, “You’re having a baby tonight”. Cue all the blood exiting my brain. He said it was too dangerous to even let me go home. He had to leave for Richfield tomorrow morning, so he wanted to get me started right away. I said okay, he left, I went into the bathroom to change and started bawling violently. This isn’t like me. I’m usually good under pressure, but I think those words finally made me acknowledge that I was going to give birth! I was just scared. I was afraid to endure birth again. After I collected myself, I called Dad and told him the news. He said “okay..what do I do? “. HAHAHA poor frazzled dad. I told him to get a piece of paper and take notes. I gave him a packing list and began calling my sisters to plan for Lyla.

6:00pm. Admitted. They had me hooked up to Pitocin before dad even got there. All the memories from Lyla’s birth came flooding back to me. My IV went in so easily this time, which I took as a good omen. Todd arrived shortly thereafter and looked very flustered. He forgot half the things I asked him to bring and left it all in the car. After sitting there for a minute he remembered he left the crock pot on. I had to laugh at how sweet it was that he was so worried about me. Melissa was going to watch Lyla and Jenny’s kids as Jenny was already at work and would just stay with us. Grandma was close. For four hours I did virtually nothing. Every 30 minutes, they would turn up the Pitocin and I would watch and wait. I was having contractions every 40 seconds but they were very mild and hardly felt like labor. I mainly felt it in my back. The hospital was very busy that night I was told, four other women in labor. It was no secret at least two women there were in labor. I have never heard screaming like that. I think they were beckoning the dead. Looking back, it’s funny to think of them screaming all sorts of profanities, but at the time, it FREAKED me out. What if my labor went bad this time and I was forced to moan like a dying calf just to get by?

10pm. I still wasn’t progressing, so I sent Grandma and Jenny home to sleep. I figured you’d be born sometime early tomorrow morning. Todd and I chatted and I tried to rest a little but I couldn’t sleep through the contractions

11pm. I remembered what labor was all about. I said to Dad “now we’re rolling!”. The contractions continued to get stronger and stronger. The nurse came in and wanted to check me since she hadn’t in several hours. I was 3 cm and almost fully effaced. I told her things were rolling now. The contractions were bearable but painful. She said she’d come back in 45 minutes to check me again and I could get my epidural then if I wanted to. Dr. Heath was sleeping in the on call room waiting to deliver me. He wanted to be woken up at midnight to break my water. I needed to have you before 7am. Those 45 minutes were the longest of the whole labor no doubt. I knew I was in heavy labor at that point and that it was going quick. Dad stood by my side and was such a strong support. It was very special to labor there with just the two of us, in the quiet (the women screaming got the drugs finally) of the night. It felt like the space between this life and things beyond it became much thinner. I was really uncomfortable and wanted to labor standing up. The problem was, you were such a little mover that they couldn’t properly monitor you unless I was lying still on my back. Torture! Dad kept saying I should just call the nurse and be checked again, but I wanted to wait the 45 minutes. She said she’d come and I was going to wait.

11:45. She came as promised. She watched me labor through a contraction and said “do you want me to check you or do you just want your epidural?”. I just wanted the epidural. I hadn’t screamed. I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t lost it. But II wanted some pain relief. Not 2 minutes later I heard the clinging of the metal table coming in the room and Dad said “he’s here”. I felt myself relax. Matt Staheli, who did my other epidural was on. What a beautiful face that man has. I hunched, told myself it didn’t matter what was happening, because I would do ANYTHING to escape that pain. I flinched with the insertion of the needle, but it didn’t hurt. I had two very strong contractions while I was getting the drugs, but that was the last of them that I remember. Right after, my BP sunk rapidly. I didn’t really know what was going on but I knew the nurse was semi frantic. She kept saying numbers loudly to Matt who didn’t seem concerned at all. He drew up some drugs (ephedrine maybe?) had the nurse administer it, and watched. I felt sick. Sick sick. He asked if I had a headache and I said no, but I wasn’t sure how I felt besides sick. I just clung to my barf bag (which I had done all labor anyway). In time my BP regulated and I felt better.

12pm. It had been less than 10 minutes since I got the epidural. Dr. Heath came in to break my water. He checked me. Paused. Looked at the nurse and said, “she’s 8 cm!!”. What?!. The nurse looked at me accusingly and said “you were supposed to tell me if you were in a lot of pain!”. Oops. She became a little frantic said “I don’t have her table ready!”. She called someone and begged them to prep my table (whatever that means). Dr. Heath praised me and said I should have a metal for my birthing abilities. I told Dad he better call Jenny and Grandma and Dr. Heath said “yes they better hurry, she’ll be here in 15 minutes”. I was shocked, but yet knew I was getting close. Thank goodness I got the epidural when I did.

04/14/11

12:20. Jenny and my Mom showed up in complete SHOCK! Grandma ran a red light! Dr. Heath checked me and said I was still 8cm, but very thin so I could push through it. I started to push. Your heart rate dropped very low. From there, things got a little blurry. Your heart rate continued to spike and drop. They had to take me off pit to keep you safe. Dr. Heath said let’s wait to push and give you time to recover. I wasn’t sure how bad it was but could tell everyone was worried. For some time, they would start the pit, you would struggle, and so they’d stop it. They inserted internal monitors and some fluid to keep the cord from getting pressed on. Instead of Pitocin, I would progress on my own, without the drugs. Dr. Heath sat on the couch next to Dad and everyone sat around me and you, chatting and waiting.

2:20am. I was complete. Unfortunately, I knew I was ready because my lower regions were not numb. I felt so much pressure it was unreal. Imagine a giant bolder resting on your area...that’s how it felt. Pushing seemed to be the only release. Just as he said I could start pushing, I started throwing up violently. Luckily, I missed dad and got it in the bag this time J

I was in so much pain, and wanted nothing more than to push. I pushed through 2 contractions and Dr. Heath was saying just how quickly things were going. He cautioned me that I might break a blood vessel in my face if I didn’t calm down, but I said I didn’t care, I wanted release!!

I pushed through 4 contractions total. At the 3^rd contraction, Dr. Heath asked me to stop because your heart rate began acting up again. I begged him to let me push, as your head was partially out and it hurt so amazingly bad, but he said it would be good to allow for stretching. He asked if I wanted to feel your hair or get a mirror. As bad as I wanted to reveal in that amazing moment, I said NO! I was in so much pain all I could focus on was pushing.

On the fourth push, I finally felt your head pop through and breathed the biggest relief of my life. I forgot the shoulders then had to come. A little more and then I knew you were out. That was the very moment I was able to revel in the experience.

2:47am I was free of pain, you were here, and I wanted nothing more than to feel your little sticky warm body on my chest. It seemed like they took forever to give you to me. And then, in a moment, life made sense again. There you were. Your little quivering body on my stomach and then my chest. They said I should rub you to get you to cry but I just held you and kissed you and gave you loves. Oh how I wish I could gather up everything about that moment and bottle it away. You looked so sweet and beautiful; dark hair, all covered in white stuff, snuggled in the crook of my neck. You cried softly and got louder as they rubbed at you. Your sweet presence there helped distract me from the placenta and stitches. I hope you know how very special I felt in that moment, to know that I have been entrusted with such a precious little soul. You reminded me of the beauty that exists in the twilight of this life and the magical things that exist beyond it.

Charlotte Ranee Gambles

April 14th

7lbs 8oz 20 inches