To my little poppyseed,

You were four days old when we learned of your existence. The doctor's in the ER had a hunch that this was part of my little heart problem. Afterall, when there is a shortage of blood flow, it goes to you first my love and then me second (and I would have it no other way). The truth is, at that time in the ER, your mom was pretty jaded. After almost two years of disappointments, false positives, and unsuccessful treatments, I had little faith that you really were there (and they said themselves, it was too early to know for sure). It was two weeks later that I really got the confirmation that you were there, our little miracle baby. I will never forget that day....I woke up that morning, lost self control and took a pregnancy test. Negative. I hucked it and went back to bed to resume my monthly routine of crying and feeling hopeless. Your dad remarked that there was no possible way I could know the test was negative. I had only been in the bathroom for less than a minute. I laughed at him and told him once the reference line was there, the test was over. done. He then laughed at me and said "no, I really think you have to wait the three minutes". hmm. Later that day I was cleaning the bathroom and curiosity got the best of me. I dug it out of the trash. and there was the most glorious site I've ever seen....


TWO lines. I screamed and went chasing after your father. And then we both jumped up and down and giggled...and cried. Then my ever hopeless heart kicked in and I commented "but it's been in the trash. what if that messed it up? ". Your father (the jokester) then rebutted, "so are you trying to say the trash can is pregnant?". So this...

Turned into this....



And then reality set in and we knew it had to be true. You were two weeks old then...the size of a poppyseed. No matter how big you become my little one, you will always be our little poppyseed. Will you ever know what this day meant to us? Will you even know the heartache we went through to bring you to this earth? Will you ever know of the unfaltering love we will always have for you? It will be my life's ambition to make sure that you do. Every teardrop shed, every penny spent,(which amounted to a lot of pennies, my love), every disappointment, every heartache, every ounce of pain, was worth it to see your little heart beating away. We loved you instantly...your little shoulders, tiny arms, and frog-like legs. Love hardly covers it, but it's true. We love you.

-Love, your mom and dad.

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For those less imaginative types, this is our announcement that we are pregnant. We're obviously very excited...almost like giddy school girls. I'm 11 weeks. We've had two ultrasounds-one at 5.5 weeks and one at 9.5 weeks. You can see the pictures below. The growth is amazing. At the first ultrasound all we could see was a little white speck, at the second, we saw a raging heartbeat and our little baby wiggling around like crazy. Our doctor said he/she had the heartbeat of a gladiator and that it was going to blow out his speakers! I knew the beat would be fast but had no idea it would be so loud. At one angle, we could actually see the heart beating in his/her chest. That was so cool. I also couldn't believe how much he/she was moving!

Pregnancy so far has easily been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. We have loved noting all the nearly immediate changes in my body. The first this was definitely the fatigue. I felt like I was tired ALL the time and went from sleeping 7 hours a night to 10 or 11! This was even before we knew I was pregnant. Then came the constant trips to the bathroom. Next came the bionic sense of smell. I can smell things from clear across the house! Most smells really bother me. My favorite perfume now smells like a lilacy nightmare. I can also smell my damn foundation when it's on my face! I do kinda feel like I have a super power though. Next came the changes in my skin. I usually have really dry skin and now you can reflect light off my forehead it's so greasy. I have had two people already say to me (without knowing I was pregnant), "you're glowing". haha yea. literally. I also just felt nauseated when I had gone too long without eating. Nothing too bad... Then, at exactly 7 weeks my biggest and persistent symptom set in: "morning sickness". I had definitely counted my chickens before they were hatched saying, "I'm not going to be sick like my mom and sister." Ha. I have been a regular worshiper of the porcelain gods. Whoever called it "morning sickness" should pretty much be shot. Try all day, all night, 3 o'clock in the morning-sickness. I am mostly sick in the evenings and when I take my prenatal vitamins. I rarely keep those suckers down. I've had a few puking highlights as well; puking up our big fancy breakfast when we went away for Valentines, and having to pull over on the freeway on the way to work to puke in a grocery bag.

So basically, while pregnancy has been one of the best experiences of my life, it has also been one of the most challenging. I have a new respect for people who function everyday while feeling like crap. I really had no idea this kind of sickness existed. It's topped anything I've experienced before.

In addition to the physical, there has also been the emotional. I have reached a new level of psychotic worrying. Not a day goes by that I don't realize what a miracle this little being is, and so I live with the constant fear of losing it. I worry about the craziest things: what if I rolled over on my stomach and squished the baby? What if I coughed too hard and jostled it out of my uterus? What if I got too hot when I showered and cooked the baby? What if the peanut butter I've eaten out of 10 times already suddenly has salmonella? Did I remember to take my pills? I didn't puke the second I woke up-what if something's wrong? What if, what if, what if. I've also found this delightfully masochist website where women come and talk about their miscarriages and pregnancy complications. Imagine a kid at a candy store-I pick the most delish worry from a menu of psychosis and run with it. Todd has tried in vain to ban me from the Internet. Todd has however, been the vision of patience. He listens to my most recent fears, smiles, gives me a huge hug, and gently points out how completely psychotic I am. He has also been a model daddy to be. He has taken over most of the household and pet duties and even cooks dinner for me so I can eat as soon as I get home. He also waits by the bathroom with a concerned look on his face when I'm in there expelling my most recent meal. One night Todd made a really nice dinner of pork roast. Not 5 seconds later, I puked it all up. I was so sick and the only thing that sounded good to me was a hot and ready. With no hint of frustration, Todd went and got me a pizza and threw the rest of his slaved-over dinner in the trash. I felt so bad but it was such a sweet thing to do.

And that sums up what really has been going on the last three months. Not a second goes by that we don't treasure our little gift from God. I think this might be the very most happiest time of my life.

"My cup runneth over"

Thanks for being a part of our newest and most greatest adventure.

I'm due September 27th....Todd's BIRTHDAY!!!

5.5 Week ultrasound (the whitest part of that little ring is the baby)

Just four weeks later....9.5 weeksMy most favorite picture...our little alien baby in 4D (also at 9.5 weeks)