welcome to my internet home. this blog used to be cool, with insights about mental health, social policy, pop culture and the like. now, it's a chaotic collection of my mis-spelled, scribbled-down notes on motherhood (who has time to proof read?). it's over-ran with goldfish cracker crumbles, slobery wet kisses, and un-edited pictures. and i would have it no other way. feel free to laugh and cry along side me while I balance a practice (mental heath) and motherhood, and their interconectedness

Monday, August 31, 2009

36 weeks

Disclaimer: this post won't have belly pics yet bc my picture taker is a traveler now. Adandoner.

Anyway, how many times can I say, I can't believe we're ____ before it gets obnoxious?! Seriously though. Less than a month. Next week I'll be considered full term. YIKES! Things have been going quite well. I'm not at that "I'll do anything to be done" phase yet and I've been feeling pretty good overall. I hardly pray to you know who these days which is nice (but I think it makes the sick times harder-like I really start to realize how not cool it is to want to die 90% of the time). I'm now to weekly appointments and not really diggin the whole "checking" idea each week. Thanks but no thanks. Last week I had the step B test and those who have had it will understand what I mean when I say there was a little surprise there at the end that was quite disturbing. At least I had warning from my ever trusty nurse friend Mckell and nurse sister Jenny. Really though. The Dr also did this crazy Indian burn type thing to my belly and estimated that she weights 6 lbs! I was a little concerned about that. Chunky monkey!! However, the dr. assured me several times over she's average weight. Still though... if they're supposed to gain .5 lbs a week then we have a problem don't we?! No thanks on the 8 pounder (I was one...and so was Todd). I am happy to have her be fatter than too small of course. Plus, she might as well get used to being on the fat side...she has no hope. haha ok. I'm done. Major changes since 30 weeks......

  • Disgruntlement with clothing. Last week I cut the stretchy band out of one of my pants in a fit of rage. Pretty bad when the stretchy pants aren't so stretchy anymore. Nothing fits! Last week I when I was folding the laundry I noticed the ratio of yoga/pajama pants to work pants/jeans was like 20:1. I have no shame these days. Black yoga pants masquerading as black slacks? Fine by me! Every time we're getting ready to go somewhere Todd says "go get yer yoga pants on and lets go". I tell him to suck it.
  • Swelling. My whine about the thankles was so just the beginning. I have paddles not feet. My flip flops are TIGHT on my feet. My toes look like sausages. It's hot let me tell you. The other day Todd said to me "you better take those socks off before you split them open like the hulk". That always makes you feel good.
  • Decreased tolerance (or perhaps non-existent tolerance). A few weeks ago there was an incident with a can of sloppy joe mix. I was using Jenny's kitchen and could not figure out her fancy smancy can opener. I had a rage moment. Todd came upstairs to me, face-down on the table, and a mishaped can with various holes in it. Next to it lied the not-so-fancy-anymore can opener, a few other "tools" I used (like a knife), and sloppy joe mix all over the counter.
  • Last time we were in Salt Lake we were grabbing some goodies at Smith's Marketplace. The checker looked at me and said "my you look ready to pop any day!'. I surprisingly kept my mouth shut but gave her a look that clearly stated "say another word and I will eat you". I should also mention the "subway incident". Last Saturday we got busy and I waited too long to eat. We were in town and I snarled at Todd to "just pick a place to eat because NOTHING sounded good to me". He chose subway. Oh if he only knew. It took 20 minutes for us to even get to the drive through window. Apparently drive throughs aren't the best idea for sandwich places? I was so sick. I "threw up" on Todd...verbally. "why the hell did you pick this place" "you had to have known it was going to take forever" "who wants a damn sandwich anyway". And I'll stop there. Since that time, anytime I show any hint of frustration he comments "is this going to be like subway?" He also says his stomach turns every time we pass a Subway. Not my finest moment
  • "The Worm". Her movements have changed quite a bit in the last few weeks presumably because there is less room in there! Todd calls it the worm. You can just be sitting there and watch my stomach rise and fall in this slinky weird way. Kinda like a snake slithering through the sand. Todd calls it creepy. I of course think it's adorable. The other day I was sitting on my couch talking to my friend and she was like, "excuse me your belly just moved". Yep.
  • Burrowing. This is a term we've always used for Ty. He LOVES snuggling his little body in the crevasses of our body (like spooning) all night long (it was cute when he was a puppy but not so cute anymore). Little did we know our daughter would be the same way. She likes to burrow under my right rib. I've had a number of people feel it and there is no doubt either her butt or her head is nuzzled right under my rib. It's so comfortable. Oh wait, no!
  • Acid of epic proportions. Who knew waking up in the night gasping for air because you basically hurled acid was something people actually experienced? It's something let me tell you. I don't get it very often but when I do I'm up every half hour because I've basically puked in my sleep. Lovely picture huh? I try to eat good things at night and not too late but it's kinda hard when you're a puker like me. Go to bed on an empty stomach...count on dry heaving in the morning. Tums don't do crap.

Sorry my highlights are always bummer things. I don't put them as complaints but rather funny little tid bits of pregnancy that I want to remember. I'd take it all 100 times over. There's been lots of great things happening this last week as well. I washed and folded all of my baby clothes. It was so fun for me. I imagined her in each and every thing I folded. I've never folded anything so meticulously in my life. I also had a baby shower which I'll post more about later. I got so many cute things I could just die. I imagine her more and more everyday. It's still so crazy to me that an actual human life will come out of my tummy in less than a month. Thats all for now! Pictures to come (hope you have a widescreen).

Sunday, August 23, 2009

8 Things

This is a tag. I'd like to read everyone's answers so do it!

8 Things I did yesterday:
1. Slept in until 10 am.
2. Went to the bathroom about 30 times
3. Soaked up every minute I had to spend with you know who
4. Cleaned
5. Tried to keep Todd from killing Ty when he found his new BYU hat, a new baby book, a shoe, and some tupperware hid under the bed (and yes, the hat was chewed).
6. Enjoyed a delicious dinner with Brooke and Raul!
7. Attended the Mud Bogs in Parowan Utah. It defies description.
8. Had girl talk with my friends while Todd and Raul watched Rambo (which is quite disturbing)

8 Things I am looking forward to:
1. The END of traveling for Todd. AHH. What a thought
2. Poppy. Poppy. Poppy.
3. Maternity leave
4. Living in our new house.
5. Halloween (already thinking of her costume)
6. BYU football (I probably won't get to go to any games this season but I'm excited for Todd)
7. Ty getting to have a backyard
8. Did I mention a new house, a new baby, and a husband back?

8 Favorite shows:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. American Idol
3. Jon and Kate +8 (minus Jon the douche)
4. Real World (I know, shameful)
5. The Soup
6. What not to wear
7. The Little Couple
8. Man versus Wild

Favorite Restaurants
1. Olive Garden
2. Cheesecake Factory
3. Kowloons Cafe
4. Pizza Factory
5. Costa Vida
6. Mimi's Cafe
7. Chick Fila
8. Mandarin Garden

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The conference

Well. I survived our clinical conference. Everything went astonishingly well. My talk at Sunstone on Saturday was spontaneous (pretty much wrote it while the speaker a head of me spoke). I think it went really well. I got to meet some really cool people I(like a reporter from CNN) that actually asked for my info! Spent the rest of the weekend frantically finishing up the conference materials...CDs with the presentations on them, printing name tags, blah blah. Then started Monday at 6am. Imagine my surprise when people were already waiting to register at the door when I got to the U. Spent the day putting out fires, speaking to the media, networking, answering questions, and of course, speaking for TWO hours. Did I mention I didn't get to sit down til 6 that night? We had a fantastic turnout (like 120) and the professionals there were very complimentary of my talks. It made me feel really good. Our director (Bonnie...in the video below) told me I made the conference clinical another group told me they should just have the "Chelsea show" where I spoke for the whole day (haha...yea right!) and another gave me a really great compliment-that an old professor from grad school (who I really respect...Mo for those who know him)...was taking notes during my talk! That was so so fun to hear. It was a lot of work but I think we made a lot of headway. We had really great reviews. Here is a new clip about it....

p.s on a funny note, I asked my doctor if I could travel to SLC for a very big very important conference September 17th that my supervisor and I have been asked to speak at. His response...you were done traveling two weeks ago....HA!!! Our little secret (and I am SO going).

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

It's no secret I misuse the intended purposes of this blog from time to time. Poor thing has fallen victim to ax grinding, political propaganda (learned from that one!), sorry attempts to journal, misguided attempts to promote realism and all sorts of other ridiculousness. It's late tonight and I think the blog is yet again going to fall victim to one of my needs...to de-stress. You're smart if you stop reading now. Somehow I think if I put it all out into the cosmos it will go away.. ha! Is it taking it too far to bullet point out my points of stress?! Yea, you're probably right.

Work is out of control stressful. We (as in my supervisor and I) have coordinated an entire professional conference that takes place this Monday. It's at the U and it's looking like we'll have over 100 professionals from the mental health and medical fields. Talk about stressful. Did I mention I have to speak? Oh, and then did I mention that one of our speakers crapped out on us and who was the lucky nominee to fill her spot...yep me. Something about unique knowledge only I have. Hardly. I was also invited to speak on a panel at the Sunstone Symposium. You can read about that HERE. It's basically a symposium celebrating the diversity in Mormonism (yes, including polygamy). That's this Saturday. So I'll head up this Sat, speak on this panel, frantically burn conference materials and place labels on things, then prepare for the conference, speak TWICE, and host the conference. In the meantime, I have to fire somebody. And deal with kids who are homeless, a woman dying of cancer, a single mom who's living with three guys, a wife and mom who wants to leave her 9 kids...and the list goes on. It's overwhelming.

Yesterday we got the call that the offer we made on our house has been accepted. I should put an exclamation point there but it's met with mixed emotions for me. I haven't even blogged at all about the house hunting process either because I didn't want to jinx it or because I am too freaked out to even acknowledge it. I'm not someone who enters into debt lightly. I'm a freak a leak about it. When we bought our car I didn't sleep for a week and would seriously wake up in the middle of the night to make sure it was not stolen or anything. Really. So this is a big thing for me. Not to mention that the process has been SOOO long and discouraging. Yes it's a buyers market...if you want to dump and extra 20-30K into a foreclosure or risk 2-3 months of waiting on a short sale. New construction homes haven't dropped THAT much. We opted for a short sale and made an offer the end of May. Yep. you heard right. Made the offer the end of May-just got the acceptance yesterday. We knew as much as we could know about what we were getting into. We knew the process was likely going to be long. What we didn't expect was to be strung along the way we were. Just two days after the offer the sellers bank contacted us for additional documentation (i.e.prove we have the funds, prove we're not related to the people losing their home). We took this as a good sign because they were already reviewing our file. From there it was been nothing but 2+ months of "we need this additional form signed" and "you'll have word by the end of this week" or "you'll have word first thing next week". After almost three months of "first thing next week" you start to lose hope. We looked at a handful of homes in the meantime but wanted the one we originally offered on most. It's been horrible though knowing that we could wait all this time and then have our offer declined. It's also been horrible watching the pages on the calendar turn knowing that as each day goes by, so does my chance to have a baby nursery done before she gets here. So does our chance to be settled before she gets here. Logically I know I could live in a cardboard box with her and she would hardly know. But something about the time we waited for her to come to us and the knowledge that we may or may not get another chance at this makes me feel like I have to make EVERY milestone count. Make every exciting thing about the baby elevated to the Nth degree. I want to see her things all folded and clean in her perfect little bedroom. I want to sit in her finished room and rock in the rocker and imagine her being there (thanks Aubree for that one!). I want to be prepared. As it looks now, the earliest we could be in is by the middle of September. I'm not even banking on that. The banks require so much more now to get a loan that It might be even longer than the standard 30 day closing. At best, I'll be full term by the time we get in. That leaves little dreams like pink paint and bead board in the theoretical for now. I know it's not that big of a thing if we ultimately end up where we want to be...but it feels like a loss. On the brighter note...all the hassle of a short sale is truly because they are such a good deal. She's a year old starter home. 3 bed, 2 bath, 1600 square feet for 129K (plus our closing costs are paid for and we get the tax credit of 8K). So yea, why am I complaining? Because I wanted it three months ago-and I'm super nervous about being a home owner. Super nervous about the financial responsibility-right as we bring the little money sucker into the world.

Things with girlfriend continue to be stressful at times. Last appointment (following the hospitalization) I had to have another stress test because her heart rate was too fast (about 169 BPM). looks like they just happened to get her on a decel (or something like that). But I still spent 2o minutes bawling and freaking out that something was going to happen. I also can't seems to shake the surmounting fears I have about this new journey we're embarking on. Mostly, I worry about being a good mom AND working. Will I always be guilt ridden? The other day I saw moms taking their kids to swimming lessons and nearly lost it. What if I never get to take her to swimming lessons?! Obviously, I'm being ridiculous. My job is so flexible and I'm shooting for part time and will hopefully get it (I get six months of maternity leave first!!!) so I've been so blessed with a job where I can work from home, bring her along, and take my time enjoying her as a newborn. I just can't help but think about the future. What's best for us? And all these things that I don't know why I never considered before.

Basically, all of this is compounded by the fact that Todd began traveling last week. He's gone 3 nights and 4 days a week for the next two months. We endured this last summer but it's been much harder this go round. First, the timing could not have been worse. Unless something changes, he'll be working 3+ hours away from home during the time I am due to deliver. Right now, he doesn't even have cell phone reception during the day. At night it's spotty at best. They're staying in these trailers in the middle of nowhere. For now, if something were to happen Zach would drive from Escalante and get Todd and bring him home. But he changes location in another 2 weeks. We are grateful for this job that he typically loves that pays so well...but it's hard. I didn't realize how much I have relied on him since getting pregnant. If nothing else than for emotional support. When I had to get the last stress test I became so emotion just because I knew I couldn't call him and talk to him about it. I also don't have someone to hug me after I puke my guts out..which I've been doing a lot of this past week (go figure). Nor do I have a my bed partner (okay, that's not exactly true. Ty sucks to to my side all night long but it's not the same). I sleep like crap. I never thought I would be a needy codependent type but I am and I'm proud of it. As bad as its been for me, it's been it's been way worse for Todd. I guess it's that whole I'm vulnerable cuz I'm pregnant thing that's really gotten to him. The night he left he said "who's gonna get you a drink of water when you get sick?'. I laughed and told him I could fend for myself but he didn't seem comforted. He's really struggling feeling like he's abandoned us. Last night we were talking as I was yelling at Ty to quit eating my papers and Todd got all sad and apologized for leaving me as a knocked up single mom to Ty. haha. We are pathetic I guess but you can't fault two people for loving each other right?! Even if it is disgusting. Obviously, trying to close on a house with him in no mans land is less than ideal. I could also live without the shocked "whoa you're huge" comments when he does get back each week. haha.

I think I've exhausted the woe is me post for now. I do feel better layin it out there. I hope I don't sound too ungrateful. Last year I would've given my left leg to be worrying about caring for a little one. AND to be even faced with the prospect of owning our very own home. I know we are truly blessed (like seriously..haha) and I know that it will all work out in the end...but in the meantime. I am stressed.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

My achy breaky heart

Landed me in the hospital two weeks ago. But it was only for about 8 hours and me and girlfriend are just fine. I decided I hate the hospital though and began contemplating a home birth (haha totally kidding). The story... I went to my regular dr apt and there they had some concerns about her heart rate. It was a bit slow. So they decided I better do a stress test (where they monitor your baby's heart rate for about 20 mins). During this test they saw a little decline in her rate which concerned them (and scared the hell out of me to be frank). So the dr came in and began measuring my pulse because he thought perhaps the observed decline was just the monitor picking up my heart rate (which should be much slower than hers). He was disturbed to find that my pulse was only at 60 BPM (and lets face it...my fat ace will never have a pace that is really that slow). So he decided I better go get monitored over at L&D. He kept asking me if I felt okay and was concerned about me driving the 2 feet to the hospital. Honestly. SO yea, we both had our hearts monitored for about 2 hours (mine on the EKG). The nurses kept looking all nervous and asking me if I had shortness of breath, etc. I felt FINE. I had been abnormally tired the last two days but isn't that normal? Well, I guess my heart was having another episode. Doing what it did LAST time I found myself in the ER. So my dr ordered a consult with a general physician who consulted with my cardiologist who decided I was okay. The verdict was the I have an "irritable heart". The hypothesis that it acts up with an influx of hormones. Last time it was the influx seen right at the onset of pregnancy and this time it was the influx seen during the last trimester. Guess I'm lucky I haven't had more (which isn't exactly true since they think I have episodes all the time and just don't know it. The dr kept saying they never trust patients.haha). I was assured that my heart was doing plenty for miss thang and that I can endure labor just fine. I was also assured that this episode never in fact affected her. The decline WAS my heart rate-my dr just ruled that possibility out because when he was taking my pulse it was 60 (way too low to be the drop seen on the monitor) when really my heartrate was 120!! Due to the arrhythmia, some of my beats are really shallow (because they beat too early-not allowing enough blood to pool) which makes them every hard to hear. So when people take my pulse during these episodes, they miss about half my beats. Obviously, my heart beats out of control fast in these episodes. Sorry if I've sufficiently confused you. The point is she was never effected by crazy heart and it was just happenstance that they caught one of these lame episodes. I'm told they no doubt account for the fatigue and weakness I feel every now and then. Oh well. It was also detected while I was there that my thyroid has gone crazy since being pregnant (it was fine before) so I get to take meds for that now. I'm just hoping it's not a life-long thing now. Really, I'm just not a good pregnant person which makes me sad. I'm good with dealing with it all I think and it hardly effects me emotionally but my body just seems to go completely nutso. I hate that I'm a crappy patient. I wanted to be one of those buff chicks that hardly misses a beat being pregnant. Chicks that say they never felt better than when they were pregnant. Chicks that never have a single thing out of the ordinary all nine months. Oh well I guess. As long as I get her what do I really care? AND my sweet dr reminds me all the time that even though these really crazy random things keep happening to me, I have had a VERY healthy pregnancy. Meaning, everything baby related is just great. It's all the other stuff that gets in the way. In my own crazy mind I just wonder if I just get REALLY pregnant. Like have abnormally high amounts of hormones that seems to reek havoc on everything. That's just pregnancy according to me though. I'm done rambling. Thanks for reading if you made it :)

It's true. I turned 25 on the 26th of July. This b-day was a rough one! 25 just feels so mid twenties approaching mid 90s. Yes, I will understand if you tell me to F off it you're older than me. Anyway, I refuse to post the pictures of the big day because my face rivals the diameter of a dinner plate. Like truly. But I had a really nice day. My mom took me to the Motherhood Store to pick out nursing pjs (which are surprisingly cute) and Todd got me a Bumbo (google it if you don't know what it is-they're bitchin) and a gift certificate to get acrylic toes (which was way sweet because he called my sisters to ask where to get them ,etc.). I also enjoyed Olive Garden and some delicious chocolate cheesecake thing. I guess if ya have to get older....Thanks to everyone who sent me b-day wishes and money (you can be assured it will be spent buying the only clothes I'll ever buy in size zero...zero to six months that is!)