Letters to Lyla and Lottie: Stream of Consciousness

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Stream of Consciousness

Posted by Todd & Chelsea at 10:04 PM

In therapy sometimes we do this crazy thing where you have the client simply talk about all things in their brain and try to follow the stream of consciousness (crude explanation but it suffices).

I think I'll do that now. Because I never just update anymore (just on Lyla of course!). And lots seems to be going on. And I feel like writing. I'm gonna go ahead and TRY to write without this being totally about Lyla (dream big) right

I am settling in to my new jobs finally. It was a major transition, with

trainings for the new jobs and training my replacement. I absolutely love working 12 hours a week. I'm learning to love the work. Hospice is hard in ways I didn't anticipate. Chrysalis has been more clinical than I imagined and quite enjoyable.

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I regularly get told things like the middle finger means "F you and Bitch". "

That _____ is a Fer because he erased ___'s tivo".

That it's completely normal for grown men to like barbie movies

And that diapers aren't just for babies

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I've had some strange health issues lately that I don't care to really talk about for some reason. My issues of losing my vision and numbness from before (during my pregnancy) have return sporadically and may not be my crazy heart after all. I've been subject to some crazy tests (MRI-death trap, and sleep deprivation test), which have not yielded too many answers. Tumor and blockages in the brain have been ruled out. Now to seizures and other stuff. I feel at peace with it all. I really think i'm okay.

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Todd started traveling this week. Lyla's been teething and sleepless. I'm hating it already. Being a single mom blows.

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Todd is still hilarious and a great companion. He has been enjoying yard work and his Ps3.

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I love kettle chips

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This summer has been crazy busy with trips to Mexico, California, Logan, Mesquite, and Brian Head.

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I cannot wait for the next Hunger Games Book to come out

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Todd bought me a kindle for our anniversary. I got it early to take to Mexico. He is good right? I LOVE the little thing like a mini, tech savvy, baby.

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I am loving Big Love on Netflix right now. And the Real L Word, The City, The Hills, and all things TLC. Not sure why I love trashy TV so much, but I do.

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I'm thinking of starting the Harry Potter books. finally.

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Walks, swimming in the pool out front, laying in the grass, snow cones, vacations, are the reason I live for summer.

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Eclipse was the bomb.com

Lyla's Dr. is pretty much forcing me to quit breastfeeding. Her weight gain has been poor (2nd percentile) and she thinks it may be due to the milk allergy. I've done so well, no cheating at all. But there could still be transient dairy being passed I guess. I try to tell myself 10 months was good enough. But I feel robbed. I love breastfeeding so much now. I've never even made a stinking bottle before! It feels intimidating. the bottle thing. We see a gastrointrologist (or something) in two weeks. He'll have the final word on if it'd be best to switch. The main issue is how to wean her at 12 months. Most babies go to milk but Lyla can't do that. So now what?! Lyla's dr has never had a baby not get over the allergy at year 1. Lyla doesn't look like she will. So we'll see. I'm trying to be a peace with it. 10 months is enough right?

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I've encountered an identity crisis lately. I think about fun ways to do my visit teaching/primary lessons throughout the day, go to play groups in the ward, search the best ways to puree baby food, host bow parties..and the list goes on.

Who is this person I've become?!

In church circles I feel like I don't belong at times, because I don't have as many kids as most the women I socialize with. When with my HS friends I feel like I don't fit because I'm the only one of all of them, with a baby, who plans to get a mini van next, who wants to talk about milestones ad naseum. In social work circles I feel like I don't fit in because I chose work I don't like as much, to stay home more, because I'm Mormon. Because I don't drive a subarau (lol, jk!).

So not to sound like a whiny teenager but I feel a tiny bit lost.

And I've felt this way forever.

Is it because I want to have my cake and eat it too?

I want to be progressive, offensive, and free minded...and religious, raise my daughter conservatively, and get the social benefits the LDS culture provides so nicely?

Is it because I want to honor my past friendships with my HS friends, the great ladies they are, but be the person I am now...who is so widely different then I ever said I would be?

When spewing my woes on to Todd he replied "you're right where you are supposed to be...with her, in your arms". Like I said, he's good huh?

Ok. Thats all foks. Love you.