Letters to Lyla and Lottie

It's no secret I misuse the intended purposes of this blog from time to time. Poor thing has fallen victim to ax grinding, political propaganda (learned from that one!), sorry attempts to journal, misguided attempts to promote realism and all sorts of other ridiculousness. It's late tonight and I think the blog is yet again going to fall victim to one of my needs...to de-stress. You're smart if you stop reading now. Somehow I think if I put it all out into the cosmos it will go away.. ha! Is it taking it too far to bullet point out my points of stress?! Yea, you're probably right.

Work is out of control stressful. We (as in my supervisor and I) have coordinated an entire professional conference that takes place this Monday. It's at the U and it's looking like we'll have over 100 professionals from the mental health and medical fields. Talk about stressful. Did I mention I have to speak? Oh, and then did I mention that one of our speakers crapped out on us and who was the lucky nominee to fill her spot...yep me. Something about unique knowledge only I have. Hardly. I was also invited to speak on a panel at the Sunstone Symposium. You can read about that HERE. It's basically a symposium celebrating the diversity in Mormonism (yes, including polygamy). That's this Saturday. So I'll head up this Sat, speak on this panel, frantically burn conference materials and place labels on things, then prepare for the conference, speak TWICE, and host the conference. In the meantime, I have to fire somebody. And deal with kids who are homeless, a woman dying of cancer, a single mom who's living with three guys, a wife and mom who wants to leave her 9 kids...and the list goes on. It's overwhelming.

Yesterday we got the call that the offer we made on our house has been accepted. I should put an exclamation point there but it's met with mixed emotions for me. I haven't even blogged at all about the house hunting process either because I didn't want to jinx it or because I am too freaked out to even acknowledge it. I'm not someone who enters into debt lightly. I'm a freak a leak about it. When we bought our car I didn't sleep for a week and would seriously wake up in the middle of the night to make sure it was not stolen or anything. Really. So this is a big thing for me. Not to mention that the process has been SOOO long and discouraging. Yes it's a buyers market...if you want to dump and extra 20-30K into a foreclosure or risk 2-3 months of waiting on a short sale. New construction homes haven't dropped THAT much. We opted for a short sale and made an offer the end of May. Yep. you heard right. Made the offer the end of May-just got the acceptance yesterday. We knew as much as we could know about what we were getting into. We knew the process was likely going to be long. What we didn't expect was to be strung along the way we were. Just two days after the offer the sellers bank contacted us for additional documentation (i.e.prove we have the funds, prove we're not related to the people losing their home). We took this as a good sign because they were already reviewing our file. From there it was been nothing but 2+ months of "we need this additional form signed" and "you'll have word by the end of this week" or "you'll have word first thing next week". After almost three months of "first thing next week" you start to lose hope. We looked at a handful of homes in the meantime but wanted the one we originally offered on most. It's been horrible though knowing that we could wait all this time and then have our offer declined. It's also been horrible watching the pages on the calendar turn knowing that as each day goes by, so does my chance to have a baby nursery done before she gets here. So does our chance to be settled before she gets here. Logically I know I could live in a cardboard box with her and she would hardly know. But something about the time we waited for her to come to us and the knowledge that we may or may not get another chance at this makes me feel like I have to make EVERY milestone count. Make every exciting thing about the baby elevated to the Nth degree. I want to see her things all folded and clean in her perfect little bedroom. I want to sit in her finished room and rock in the rocker and imagine her being there (thanks Aubree for that one!). I want to be prepared. As it looks now, the earliest we could be in is by the middle of September. I'm not even banking on that. The banks require so much more now to get a loan that It might be even longer than the standard 30 day closing. At best, I'll be full term by the time we get in. That leaves little dreams like pink paint and bead board in the theoretical for now. I know it's not that big of a thing if we ultimately end up where we want to be...but it feels like a loss. On the brighter note...all the hassle of a short sale is truly because they are such a good deal. She's a year old starter home. 3 bed, 2 bath, 1600 square feet for 129K (plus our closing costs are paid for and we get the tax credit of 8K). So yea, why am I complaining? Because I wanted it three months ago-and I'm super nervous about being a home owner. Super nervous about the financial responsibility-right as we bring the little money sucker into the world.

Things with girlfriend continue to be stressful at times. Last appointment (following the hospitalization) I had to have another stress test because her heart rate was too fast (about 169 BPM). looks like they just happened to get her on a decel (or something like that). But I still spent 2o minutes bawling and freaking out that something was going to happen. I also can't seems to shake the surmounting fears I have about this new journey we're embarking on. Mostly, I worry about being a good mom AND working. Will I always be guilt ridden? The other day I saw moms taking their kids to swimming lessons and nearly lost it. What if I never get to take her to swimming lessons?! Obviously, I'm being ridiculous. My job is so flexible and I'm shooting for part time and will hopefully get it (I get six months of maternity leave first!!!) so I've been so blessed with a job where I can work from home, bring her along, and take my time enjoying her as a newborn. I just can't help but think about the future. What's best for us? And all these things that I don't know why I never considered before.

Basically, all of this is compounded by the fact that Todd began traveling last week. He's gone 3 nights and 4 days a week for the next two months. We endured this last summer but it's been much harder this go round. First, the timing could not have been worse. Unless something changes, he'll be working 3+ hours away from home during the time I am due to deliver. Right now, he doesn't even have cell phone reception during the day. At night it's spotty at best. They're staying in these trailers in the middle of nowhere. For now, if something were to happen Zach would drive from Escalante and get Todd and bring him home. But he changes location in another 2 weeks. We are grateful for this job that he typically loves that pays so well...but it's hard. I didn't realize how much I have relied on him since getting pregnant. If nothing else than for emotional support. When I had to get the last stress test I became so emotion just because I knew I couldn't call him and talk to him about it. I also don't have someone to hug me after I puke my guts out..which I've been doing a lot of this past week (go figure). Nor do I have a my bed partner (okay, that's not exactly true. Ty sucks to to my side all night long but it's not the same). I sleep like crap. I never thought I would be a needy codependent type but I am and I'm proud of it. As bad as its been for me, it's been it's been way worse for Todd. I guess it's that whole I'm vulnerable cuz I'm pregnant thing that's really gotten to him. The night he left he said "who's gonna get you a drink of water when you get sick?'. I laughed and told him I could fend for myself but he didn't seem comforted. He's really struggling feeling like he's abandoned us. Last night we were talking as I was yelling at Ty to quit eating my papers and Todd got all sad and apologized for leaving me as a knocked up single mom to Ty. haha. We are pathetic I guess but you can't fault two people for loving each other right?! Even if it is disgusting. Obviously, trying to close on a house with him in no mans land is less than ideal. I could also live without the shocked "whoa you're huge" comments when he does get back each week. haha.

I think I've exhausted the woe is me post for now. I do feel better layin it out there. I hope I don't sound too ungrateful. Last year I would've given my left leg to be worrying about caring for a little one. AND to be even faced with the prospect of owning our very own home. I know we are truly blessed (like seriously..haha) and I know that it will all work out in the end...but in the meantime. I am stressed.