Letters to Lyla and Lottie

A woman that's breastfeeding full time

A couple with supposedly a 3% chance of getting pregnant when trying

A couple who required THREE inseminations with drugs up the ying yang to get pg the 1sr time

A man who is gone 3 nights out of the week

.
.
.

Without going into too much detail about our "infertility" I would like to add that our problem wasn't anything to do with my plumbing so while we've heard about infertile women who get prego quickly after delivering, we thought we were exempt to the whole plumbing-getting-cleaned out rule

Our conversations were never about how we wanted to space our children because he learned early on that we're not in control (literally). We had decided we'd wait 2-3 years and then head back in for IUI (insemination), hoping after that it wouldn't take another 2 years. hahahaha.

For about 2 days I was filled with a great deal of anxiety and guilt. Mainly guilt. Would Lyla be resentful? Would her needs be met? Would I contemplate death daily for the next year? Remember, my pregnancy was ROUGH, my family is spaced very far apart, and I couldn't image caring for Lyla while throwing up all day for the next 9 months.

...fast forwards a few weeks. We had a little bit of a perfect storm. I was diagnosed with Epilepsy and with it came a lot of stress (hello, driver's license revoked, etc). A few days later the 3 of us (and my whole family) came down with this HORRIBLE flu/cold. Congestion, sore throat, fever, etc. etc. I didn't dare take anything and my ear drum burst from all the congestion. It lasted 2 weeks in everyone that got it. We're talking super bug. Let me add that simultaneously, morning sickness set in. Me oh my. Earlier than with Lyla. From week 6-8 I was throwing up every 3 hours all day AND all night. I couldn't keep anything down. Lyla was in a teething funk and still not sleeping through the night anyway so I was surviving on 4 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky. Each time she woke in the night, I had to run and throw up. I was sooo tired from being sick and pregnant and being up with Lyla. I did my best to pretend to be happy and play with Lyla but it was so hard. She always (and still does) accompanied me to the bathroom and tried to play in the toilet. I got good at pushing her hand away, aiming the barf, holding my hair, and pinching for life so I wouldn't pee my pants all at once. lol. Did I mention Todd was still traveling and gone from Mon-Thurs night? I wasn't even thinking about how there was no way I was going to survive all this because I was in zombie mode. It was so hard for about 3 weeks.

...and as if Heavenly Father new I couldn't take any more, my morning sickness dissipated like I didn't think possible!!! Since about 8 weeks I feel SOOOO amazing. I wake with sickness and have a daily morning barf but then I feel good, like human good the rest of the day. Feeling decent while pregnant is such a novel thought to me!! I'm beyond grateful. Its' been the biggest blessing.

I now just marvel at where we are now, after where we were just 2 years ago. I feel so unworthy of this amazing opportunity I get to have...again! And for free this time! I know there will be rough patches ahead, but how minor those are, knowing I'm blessed with something I wasn't sure I'd ever have again. I already feel achy for that warm cuddly newborn to be in my arms. Life is so amazing. And now I'm crying, so I'll go. Love you readers of mine!!